The Phone Exchange for want of a better title
by Kaetian
Summary: Beaubatons and Hogwarts have a phone exchange - and why are Harry and Draco in prison? rated for the eff word.
1. In the beginning

The Phone Exchange  
  
Beaubatons and Hogwarts decide to do a phone exchange - and what are Draco and Harry doing in prison?  
Possibler slash. Please review.  
  
Once upon a time, there lived two little girls who looked exactly the same in every way. Their  
names were Ethereal and Neriedes. They went everywhere together, from as soon as they could  
walk. But then, when they were four years old, their parents Lord Christophe Cruentes and Lady  
Rialle Cruentes du Malfoy got a divorce. A rather messy, traumatic, I-get-this-it's-mine-no-I-get-  
this-it's-mine battle of a divorce. The twins ended up separated - Ehl to the Lord Christophe, and  
Neri to the Lady Rialle. The Lady Rialle was a very proper, prim, bitchy-behind-your-back sort  
of person, and she began molding Neri into that sort of a person as soon as the whole divorce was  
over; they lived in France. The Lord Christophe really couldn't care less about anything except  
getting a one over on his ex-wife, and so Ehl was raised by horrible governesses and they tried to  
mold her, but she ended up rebelling instead. She was often forced into the company of Draco, a  
spoilt brat of a cousin, whom she despised. Then, at age eleven, both girls, who hadn't seen each  
other for seven years, suddenly met up at Beaubatons. Ehl was very upset; having been raised in  
England, she had wanted to go to Hogwarts. Also, she couldn't speak French. Then her sister,  
Neri, no longer a) looked like her, b) liked her, c) acted like her, and d) was acting such a bitch  
Ehl shunned her on sight. Then she saw Neozoic, who was acting a lot like her, and they became  
firm friends and helped each other learn french. They were best friends, and both were outcasts,  
and so it worked.  
  
Ethereal adj delicate; spiritual; celestial.-ethereality, etherealness n.-ethereally adv.  
  
Ethereal Cruentes, student of Beaubatons School for Magic, was currently staring at a piece of paper  
that had, as if by fate, paired her with Draco Malfoy for the Phone Exchange that some mad Muggle  
Studies professors had cooked up after Muggle Studies had been made compulsory. She hated Draco  
Malfoy, ever since she learned that he was responsible for his father trying to execute that poor  
Hippogriff. Sure, the creature had gotten away, but it had been a close call. And this was who she was  
paired up with! She sighed in disgust, leaned back on her bed in her dorm room, and with the paper  
clutched in her fist, she fell into a restless sleep.  
  
Neozoic adj noting rocks from the Trias to the present time.   
  
Neozoic Olith, also a student of Beaubatons, (who just happened to be Ethereal's best friend) was also  
currently staring at his paper. He was matched with Virginia (Ginny) Weasly. He was extremely  
annoyed. Virginia (Ginny) Weasly was an annoying little so and so who was always blushing if Potter so  
much as looked at her. He was not looking forward to this. He sighed, gazing at the photo of Ethereal  
and himself, posing in front of the school, making faces, that he had on his wall. She looked wonderful,  
nothing like her sister, on whom he had a crush. He wondered how Ehl would take it, if he started  
dating her sister. Would he pay her twin more attention then her? Would she react badly to it? It was  
interesting to think about. And with that, he promptly forgot about Virginia (Ginny) Weasly, and  
concentrated on thinking about Ethereal Contuse' twin.  
  
Nereid n (pl Nereides) (Greek myth) a sea nymph.  
  
Nereides Cruentes, Ethereal's twin, had been matched up with Ronald (Ron) Weasly. Her best  
friend, Charlotte, had been matched up with Harry Potter. Nereides envied her because, let's face it, it  
was Ronald (Ron) Weasley, for chrissakes. She and her group, the fleurs, were sitting across from  
where Eth lay sleeping, gabbing quietly about who they had been matched with.   
'Zey matche me wiz a profeseur,' said Helene, (Hell) in obvious indignation. 'Are zey allowed to  
do zat?'   
'I am not sure,' replied Gabrielle, Fleur Delacour's little sister, 'I am just glad zey did not match  
me wiz 'Arry Potter. Remember ven Fleur vas in ze Triwizard Tournament, and 'Arry Potter 'ad to  
rescue me? 'Ow embarrassing, to be paired wiz 'im now!'   
'I agree with you,' said Nereides smoothly, adding, 'I only wish I 'ad gotten Draco Malfoy.  
Except Ezereal got him. Lucky bitch.'   
The rest of the fleurs grumbled about what an annoyance Ethereal was for a while, then they  
went their separate ways to bed.   
  
Ethereal adj delicate; spiritual; celestial.-ethereality, etherealness n.-ethereally adv.  
  
When she woke up, the first thing she saw was her sister, Nereides, glaring down at her.   
' 'Ere,' she said, shoving a mobile phone at Ehl, 'Zis is for you from ze teechers. Zey want us all  
to 'ave one. Well? Aren't you going to zank me for getting you wun?'  
'I would, but you haven't let me speak,' Ehl told her mildly.   
Nereides huffed, and stalked off. Ehl shook her head in wonder. Incorrigible, she thought in  
amusement. She got dressed, gathered her stuff, and went down to breakfast.  
  
Neozoic adj noting rocks from the Trias to the present time.   
  
Neo was already at their table when she got down there. Beaubatons was shaped like an  
average high school, only very posh with an exterior like a castle. The Cafeteria was a room full of  
tables for groups of four, some of which were pushed together. Neo and Eth's table was on it's own, as  
it was just the two of them. They were given a wide berth, because of their strange appearance for  
which they had been suspended many a time. The teachers had eventually given up.   
Neo had extremely thick, Obsidian hair, bright blue eyes, and a huge, infectious grin. He was  
also stick thin, six feet three inches tall, with an eyebrow ring, three earrings (all in the one ear) and a  
nose ring.   
Ehl had very curly, thick, blue hair, huge, almond shaped green eyes, and a mouth that was  
always grinning evilly. It was not infectious (unless she was with Neo and they had done something  
evil). She, too, was stick thin, only she had curves *cough*. She was six feet four inches tall, with two  
eyebrow rings (same eyebrow), three earrings in each ear, two nose rings (same nostril) and two rings in  
her lower lip. She also had a tattoo of Jesus' crown of thorns on her head, and a little Death of Rats on  
her shoulder. Her real name was Ethereal, but she had taken out the 't' to make it seem more mysterious.  
All in all the two of them were wild.   
Nereides had straight, red hair, blue eyes, and a mouth that pouted naturally. She had high  
cheek bones, was five feet four inches tall, was thin enough but not stick thin, and only had one piercing  
in each ear. She thought Ehl was a show off; Ehl thought Neri was a stuck-up prudish bitch.   
'Hey, Ehl,' said Neo, who wasn't French at all, but American, and from New York at that.   
'Hey, Neo,' Ehl replied. 'What do we have first?'   
'Um . . . Muggle Studies,' he groaned. 'I got Virginia (Ginny) Weasly. How 'bout you?'  
'I got Draco Malfoy,' Ehl moaned. 'Draco Malfoy! That stuck up little bastard whose father is  
best friends with mine! What am I going to do?'  
'Give him some o' the old Ehl charm,' Neo grinned.   
'What a great idea,' Ehl exclaimed, linking her arm in his as they got up and began to stroll to  
class.   
'Why, yes, it is a great idea. After all, this is my idea,' he said, mockingly. Ehl pushed him in protest at  
the mocking, and they continued on towards muggle studies.  
  
Nereid n (pl Nereides) (Greek myth) a sea nymph.  
  
'Look at zem,' Gabrielle said in disgust, motioning to Ehl and Neo. 'What do zey sink zis is, a  
private room? It is not, it is a public forum!'  
'I agree wiz you, dear Gabrielle. But, don't you agree zat zey are made for each ozzer?' replied  
Hell.  
'Yes. . . I sink zey are made for each ozzer. Zey make a very cute couple,' Gabrielle giggled.  
Nereides, her head on one side, beautiful red hair falling around and framing her face (this was  
deliberate, and it had taken years to achieve the desired affect), commented, 'I sink zey are made for  
each ozzer, yes; but neizzer of zem are cute. Zus zey cannot be a cute couple.' The rest of her group  
agreed, and they went off to class.   
  
Ethereal adj delicate; spiritual; celestial.-ethereality, etherealness n.-ethereally adv.  
  
'Now,' began Fleur Delacour, Gabrielle's older sister and the Muggle Studies teacher, 'I want  
you to phone up your 'pals, and ask zem sings like appearance, what zey like best at school, zat sort of  
thing. Strike up a friendship wiz zem. Well? What are you waiting for? 'Urry up, people!"  
With a sinking feeling, Ehl dialed the number. She knew Malfoy, and knew he knew her.  
Things were not going to be great.  
'Hello?' a bored English voice drawled.  
'Hello. I am Ethereal. I assume you are Draco Malfoy.'  
'Cut the crap, I know you hate me as much as I hate you. Now, what do you look like, bitch?'  
'Oh, that was low,' she mocked. 'Come on, Malfoy, I know you can do better then that!'   
'You are a fucking crackhoar bitch-slut who attempts to come on to every guy she sees. I saw  
you, and that was when we were ten!'  
'I think you have gotten Nereides and myself mixed up,' she said. 'I'm the one with blue hair.  
And multiple body piercings.'  
'We were ten,' he repeated.  
'So? Please do not repeat that like a mantra. There is no point to it.'  
The 'conversation' turned into a full-scale war, with both parties yelling into the phone at each  
other and threatening to apparate to the other's school and disembowel them. Both fifth year classes  
were listening with keen interest. This is how all their conversations went.  
  
Neozoic adj noting rocks from the Trias to the present time.   
  
Neo's conversation with Ginny went fine, until he stopped talking, listening to Ehl and her 'pal.  
Ginny was threatening to hang up on him when he apologized, and told her he was listening to Ehl's  
conversation with Malfoy.  
'Oh, Malfoy's a right bastard,' Ginny said, sympathetically. 'He and my brother Ron are always  
at each other's throats. Only Harry and 'Mione stop him killing Malfoy, although everyone wants him to.'   
'Apparently Ehl's father is best friends with Malfoy's father and Ehl and Draco hate each other,  
while Ehl's twin Neriedes has a crush on the guy. Neri's a right bitch, you'd do best to avoid her when  
we come over.'  
And so that was how Neo's conversations went - he realised he now had a crush on Virginia  
(Ginny) Weasly.  
Nereid n (pl Nereides) (Greek myth) a sea nymph.  
With distaste clearly evident in her tone, Neriedes told Ron, 'Under no circumstances are you  
to sink I like you, 'ave a crush on you or am 'appy about zis pairing. I 'ave a crush on Draco Malfoy.'  
Don't worry,' Ron told her, distaste clearly evident in his voice too, 'I have a girlfriend.'  
Silence.  
And that was how their conversations went.   
  
Ethereal adj delicate; spiritual; celestial.-ethereality, etherealness n.-ethereally adv.  
  
They were traveling to England. Draco and herself had been arguing for three months now, so  
as punishment they had to meet each other. Ehl was decidedly not happy about this. Neo was over the  
moon. Neri was too, as she would finally be able to prove to Draco how much she had grown up over  
the past five years since she had seen him last.   
'Come on, Ehl, cheer up,' he coaxed, 'We're getting to see England.'  
'I hate England,' said Ehl, 'It's wet and rainy and my family - not to mention Malfoy - are here!'  
'Oh, will you please either cheer up or shut up?' he finally snapped with frustration.   
'I don't wanna,' she said sullenly.  
'yeah, well I'm happy, and your bad mood is making me unhappy, so either snap out of it, be  
quiet or go away,' he snapped. Ehl said nothing. She was thinking about how amusing it would be if  
Draco were gay, in luuuuurve with Harry Potter, and scorned by all of Hogwarts. She wondered how to  
make a love Potion. 


	2. Azkaban!

Yay! Chapter two, rock on!  
Meanwhile, at the Court Room in Diagon Alley :   
  
'But - I didn't - it wasn't us!' the fifteen year old cried. Hi companion, looking just as horrified, chimed in  
with, 'Why don't you believe us?'  
'Because the evidence points to you two.' The judge was icy in his statement of guilt. 'Take  
them to Azkaban.'   
'Hey, that isn't legal!' the first one yelled over the shoulder of the guard who was dragging him  
away, 'We're minors, even if we did do it - which we didn't - you can't lock us in Azkaban!'  
'Yes, we can,' the judge replied, 'The Minister made an exception for you two. The murder of  
Percy Weasley has been a terrible blow for the wizarding community as a whole. Now get them out of  
my sight,' he snapped at the guards.   
And that was how Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy came to be escorted out of the freezing  
courtroom and into Azkaban. As they were leaving, the judge had added, 'oh, and by the way, ten years  
in Azkaban is equal to one month over here. It's cheaper.' Harry hoped they died quickly.   
  
When the french got there (Hogwarts) the atmosphere was subdued, and to Ehl's delight,  
Draco Malfoy was in Azkaban! She almost squealed in a most preppish way, but she managed to stop  
herself just in time.   
  
*  
  
Azkaban : Harry's journal.  
17th December. 1995  
Azkaban is worse than I thought it would be. I'm trapped in a cell with Draco  
Malfoy, I'm constantly hearing my mmmother screaming, and I'm attacked by the Dursley's.  
My only refuge is this journal I found lying around. Someone name Alexis Lestrange wrote  
one sane entry about how he would kill the Potters, before he went insane and just  
scribbled.   
Malfoy doesn't seem to be doing very well. He keeps going on about his father, and  
asking him to please not hurt him. Anyway, he's screaming a bit too loud for my tastes, so  
I'd better go see to him.   
By the way. I didn't kill Percy Weasley.  
  
24th December 1996  
I discovered that the markings carved in the stone - for example, the calendar,  
which I have restarted, the will, the protestations of his innocence - are just normal, boring  
markings, but one is a snake, and it is bumped on the outside, like someone pressed it out  
from the inside of the stone. Tomorrow I will investigate. I cannot now; Malfoy is upset  
again.   
By the way. I didn't kill Percey Weasley.   
  
5th January 1998  
I have discovered that the snake, if you push it hard enough, is actually the  
entrance to an underground chamber. I haven't actually explored it yet, because Malfoy has  
been too unstable; but tomorrow, or as soon as possible, we will investigate. After all, if  
there is something dangerous down there, I don't want to face it on my own. Anyway, I  
could offer Draco as a sacrifice and get the hell out of there. The poor kid'd be better off  
dead, I reckon, seeings as he's so bad now, he'll be dead within a year at most. Christ, what  
shit did his dad do to him? I find myself sympathizing with him. It is most absurd. But  
then, I am of the opinion that, given half the chance and a different family, Draco could  
actually be a nice kid. I wonder how the French Exchange is going? Who's looking after  
Charlotte? It would be good for Ron; he and his 'pal don't talk at all.  
Ah, there's Draco. By the way, I didn't kill Percy Weasley.  
  
17th March. 2000  
Well, Harry had finally gotten Draco into better shape, although it had taken five years (Harry  
so hadn't expected him to last that long), and they were due to start the exploration of the Snake Cave.  
Over the starving years, Harry had managed to perfect the art of wandless light. He now practised this  
art, and, making sure Draco was there by 'giving' Draco some light and pushing him in front, they made  
their way down the cold, grey steps with the moisture making it perilous, and the moss on the walls.  
Presently they came to a medium sized cavern, which, for some reason, had odd runes carved in strange  
patterns on the walls. Then there was a flash of English.  
It read : Only Parseltongue may be spoken from here on in. No. 10 : Never piss off anyone  
who can talk to snakes. Be ware or be square. i believe that will hold some significance in the '80's.   
Harry and Draco, who being sufficiently away from the Dementors to be able to think, was also  
rather puzzled.   
Do you speak Parseltongue? Harry asked. After all, anything was possible.  
Yeah, of course. Father told me it was because we are descended from Slytherin.  
Ah. Well, good, Harry said. They continued.  
  
Eventually, they came to a large cavern, which looked to be set up as though for people to live  
in. The door was in the middle of a wall, with a kitchen in the far right corner, a bathroom in the far left,  
a bedroom in the close right, and a study in the close left. In the middle was a mini entertainment center.  
Sitting on a couch watching TV, obviously waiting for them, were two men, in red and green  
respectively, and two women, in blue and yellow.   
Are they imitating the founders? Harry hissed at Draco, who shrugged.  
'Welcome, Blood of the Four. We will introduce ourselves to you in due course; but for now,  
could you please come this way?' He walked over to a carving of the Hogwarts logo which was on the  
left wall. Harry and Draco looked at each other, shrugged, and followed him. After a few minutes they  
got there, and placed a hand each on the carving. Then all went dark . . . 


	3. Twins Yeah, right

Chapter three! Hurrah!  
  
Harry landed on a cold stone floor with a thud.   
'Ow,' he hissed through his teeth. He sat up, and turned to look around, only to see blackness.  
'What the fuck?' he said. He lay down again, and curled up onto his side to wait until it came. He  
waited for ages, and in that time he surmised that he was probably in some kind of trance in "the real  
world". He thought Draco was probably in a similar state. he continued waiting. Until a burst of  
blinding light drowned out the dark and, although he still couldn't see anything, he was more  
comfortable and felt a lot safer. Then . . .   
Mister Potter, said a Voice, I believe it is time we cleared up a few things. In the Old Times,  
around a thousand years back, there were the Founders. I believe you've met them. Anyway, back  
when Hogwarts began, they were dark times. Times when no one, evil or not, would bring a child -  
let alone two - into the world. Now, the Founders Rowena, Godric and Salazar were all in some sort  
of bizarre love triangle, and in the end, before Salazar left for good, it was discovered that Rowena   
was with child. Now, Salazar couldn't just leave with his beloved expecting what could have been his  
child, right? Of course not. So he stuck around, and after a month, Rowena and the others had  
decided to remove the embryos and freeze them in time, to develop into humans at a later, safer  
date. It was discovered that one twin was Salazar's, the other Godric's. They just didn't know which  
was which.   
The time of danger ended, but the unborn twins were hidden so securely they couldn't be  
found to be developed. The Founders, already immortal, waited. They got married to other people,  
had other children. Then, in 1980, when the Potters (descendents of Gryffindor) and the Malfoys  
(descendents of Salazar) were trying for children, the embryos were found. Now, Rowena didn't  
want anymore children; how would she take care of them? She was living under Azkaban, for God's  
sake. So, one twin went to the Potters, and one twin to the Malfoys. The only problem is that by this  
time, they had forgotten whose twin was whose, and Salazar's child went to the Potters and Godric's  
child went to the Malfoys. And no one was the wiser, until they were Sorted. The Potter's child, you,  
was almost put in Slytherin, and the Malfoy's child, Draco, was almost put in Gryffindor. Although,  
you were both suited to the other House because of the way you had been raised. Now, you are here  
to get used to each other, and to learn advanced magic. Don't worry; you'll be out of here in twenty-  
five years. Work hard, and make us proud.   
Harry, a little gobsmacked to say the least, was back in the dark, stuck with his thoughts. So,  
he was actually the son of Slytherin and Raveclaw, Malfoy was his twin and yet he was Gryffindor's  
son, and he was going to be freed after twenty-five years? Why did he find this so hard to believe?  
'Because it's a load of rot,' whispered the little, cynical voice in his head. 'Malfoy couldn't be  
more different to you if he tried. How different does he look, for a start? How different does he act?   
But, then again, maybe your birthparents' DNA affected how you look, but you are still your parents'  
son. This is confusing . . . I believe I have been converted. Would I be talking to you if you were a  
typical Gryffindor?'   
Harry shook his head, trying to clear it. If he was a Slytherin, why did he get the Gryffindor  
sword? Oh, yeah - because his birthparents were Gryffindor descendants. He had a head ache -   
  
'Ah, Mister Potter, glad to have you back with us. Now, come on, we're going to start off by  
teaching you about backlash, which is magical residue that can be gathered and made into bombs. . . '  
Salazar walked over to him, where Harry had fallen, pulled him to is feet, and then proceded to propel  
him to the study corner. 'We'll make a scholar of you yet, my son.' 


	4. Sprung!

Chapter four. Enjoy.  
  
Ron sighed. He still couldn't believe that Harry had teamed up with Malfoy to murder Percey.   
'I mean, sure Percey could be an annyoing bastard, but he was still cool to us, and Harry and  
him seemed to be pretty good friends,' he said to Hermione for the umpteenth time since the trial had  
been conlcuded a week ago. They were sitting in the Common Room together, just talking and having  
what Hermione liked to call a 'Therapy Session'. Hermione was full of crazy yet workable muggle ideas.   
School had began again, and now it was a week into November. Bill and Charlie had returned  
from Egypt and Romania to comfort their grieving parents, and the others were to continue with their  
schoolwork and to work as hard as possible, as though good rades would cheer their parents up again.  
The French people had come; the punks kept gloating over Malfoy's 'misfortune', as McGonagall put it,  
and Nereides, his 'pal, just continued with the pattern they'd set and said nothing. Ron couldn't wait for  
school to just be over.   
  
***  
  
Two months passed, and down in Azkaban, the twins worked with the Founders. In actual fact,  
down in Azkaban it was twenty years, and the twins were now thirty-five. They were working hard, and  
were both equally as powerful as each other, which was roughly the equivalent of Grindwald,  
Dumbledore and Voldemort all put together. At first, they had come to an uneasy truce, five years  
above having terminated any actual hatred they could have had for each other. After another five years  
they became sort-of friends, you know, the people who you are friends with but would rather not spend  
time with. After another five, they became good friends, and now they were best friends. Although,  
they didn't really have a choice, but they preferred not to think of that.   
  
***  
  
'Ron, Ron!' Ginny ran into the library, ignoring Madame Pince's murderous glares, waving a  
piece of paper in her hand. 'They caught the guy who killed Perce!'  
'Yes, Gin, they were Potter and Malfoy,' Ron said wearily, looking up from the rather large  
potions book he was studying.   
'No, the actual guy. His name's Jake Delarney, he's a Death Eater, and he's confessed under  
Veritaserum.'   
'Did Potter and Malfoy get Veritaserum?'   
'No,' she declared triumphantly, eyes glittering strangely. 'They got a trial, but bot wasn't a fair  
trial.'   
'Well, what now?'   
'They reckon that in a month, they'll be able to let Harry and Draco go free.'  
'Have you told the others?'   
'Yup!'  
'Then let's go celebrate!' And with that, they ran out of the library, oblivious to the stares they  
were getting.  
  
***  
  
Another ten years had passed, and the twins were now equal in strength to all four Founders  
put together. They considered each other brother, and were the bestest friends you could be. All was  
going extremely well, when one morning Salazar and Godric woke them up, made them get back into  
their prison rags, and raced them up to the Above. Then, just as quickly and randomly, ran back down  
again, closing the 'door', or 'hole-in-the-wall' as the twins called it, disapearing the bumped out snake on  
the wall. Looking at each other in complete confusion, the two sat back and just talked for a while,  
when some Ministry offiacials walked up to them. The three men, all in their mid-fifties, gaped when  
they saw the two.   
'What?' snapped Harry.   
'You - you - '  
'Spit it out,' drawled Draco, bored.   
'You're old!'   
'No where near as old as you, though,' Harry pointed out, smirking.   
'What do you want?' asked Draco.  
'We caught the guy who actually did it,' the eldest one, Cornelius Fudge, mumbled.   
'Ah. Does that mean we can go now?' asked Draco.  
'It does, actually. Come on, follow us,' said the middle one, Mundungus Fletcher.   
'Uh - Mundungus?' said the youngest, Dimitrious Figg. 'They can't, we don't have the key.'   
'Damn,' muttered Fudge. Then, to Figg, 'What are you waiting for, man? Go and get it!' Rolling  
his eyes at his superior's behaviour, Figg scurried off. The air was thick with tension. The ministry men  
seemed to think that Draco and Harry were going to lunge through the bars at any moment.   
After a while, Figg arrived back at the cell holding a large iron key. He handed it to Fudge,  
who, with a lot of humming and hawing, fitted it into the lock and twisted it. He then gingerly opened  
the gate, as though expecting them to rush out, then lunge at him. They didn't, though. They walked out  
as though they were the epitomy of dignity, which obviously dissappointed Fudge, who looked as  
though he'd rather lock them back up and throw away the key. And burn all the legal documents except  
the one that said, 'dangerous criminal, life sentance'. Fudge shook his head, sighed, and the three  
Officials led the twins out into the bright sunshine -   
- and then gaped in astonishment as the two covered their eyes and ran back inside, shrieking.   
'What the hell is up with you?!' yelled Fudge, finally losing patience.   
'The light is too bright,' said Harry sullenly. Gradually, Figg, the most agreeable of the three,  
managed to coax Harry and Draco out into the open. 


End file.
